Do we need to put words on it?

“I hear you, but I don’t feel you”

Is it resonance or resume?

Resonance is not just a word, it’s a state — an experience in our body-mind.

Words like “resonance”, “authentic” and “energy” are commonly used to describe our feelings and create communion — but these words mean less and less to me. They become cliche-shortcuts to communicate our feelings. I’m afraid they’re empathy jargons without the time taken to really feel into what is actually going on in your body-mind.

As a chronic student of life (what a pathologizing word), I immerse myself in self-help-communites; defined as communities where people work to improve themselves, often shadow-work, to find more meaningful ways of interacting with the world, more depth to life. This can be a beautiful shared space, and I certainly have lots of ongoing wonderful encounters. But, I wonder if instagram and other platforms make us less capable of describing what we’re really feeling and sensing in our body-minds, and instead mirror back and copycat, let’s call it a resume of words for feelings.

What is resonating for you, and how is that felt in your whole body-being?

Instead of saying; “Oh, yes, I resonate with that”, maybe try to tell the other person what is actually happening interiorly, in this specific moment with this specific being; “When you described your experience (of blablabla, fill in the blank if you like), I sensed an opening in my chest, an expansion, it made me feel grounded and calm, like I was home”. This is resonance, but without using the actual word. I’m telling you how that resonance is felt in my body, giving you my specifics. Your resonance might feel different from mine, depending on what resonates.

This makes me think of the “psychology of compliments”, where it’s shown that specific compliments are more meaningful and impactful than general ones. A vague “you’re great” might feel nice, but a targeted compliment like “I admire how patiently you explained that…” feels more genuine and memorable. Specific praise shows attentiveness, strengthens trust and validates unique traits or actions. This gives the receiver a feeling of being truly seen and appreciated, and builds connection by focusing on what was valued, not just that something was.

Please, don’t say; “I feel this energy in my body»

Because everything is energy, we are energy, and energy never disappears — it transforms. I remember my drama teacher at high school had a serious talk with us about being tired or unable to work, since some of us were too late to class and started excusing ourselves. She said “energy creates energy”. What she taught us, I think, is the “law of conservation of energy”. To scientists conserving energy doesn’t mean using less, but understanding that energy simply transforms from chemical to thermal, from kinetic to electrical. When we “use” energy, it doesn’t vanish, it flows onward, reshapes and gets woven into the fabric of another process, another state. That way, energy is neither created nor destroyed, it simply changes form.

Alexithymia

So for my fellow species, the aliens and autists, I will have to declare something that is so common for our experience of being in the world; Alexithymia, which literally means “lack of words for emotions”. It’s not a mental illness, but a condition characterized by difficulty recognising and identifying what is going on inside you, both emotionally and sensationally (so-called interoception, the bodies internally signals).

And how would someone be able to describe and communicate what they’re experiencing if they can’t even notice it themselves? So, when you struggle to distinguish between emotional feelings and bodily sensations, it’s essential to slow down, give yourself time to feel into what is going on, and notice the sensations that arise in you. That is a prerequisite for communication.

We can all learn to get better at noticing ourselves, but for some of us, this will always be challenging — and not always welcome. If what I feel might overwealm me, it makes sense that I protect myself agains those emotions. So, just mindful that we need to respect each others boundaries on how deep we want or can go. Easy does it.

Do we need to put words on it?

Some would argue that words are a necessity in order to feel an emotion, a prerequisite. But for others the verbal language has little to offer when we express ourselves. Could we dance it, paint it, photograph it, “make sounds on it” — or any other forms of expressions beyond verbal (or should I say word-ball, like it’s a game).

Don’t get me wrong, I love words, I’m a linguistic fetishist — but I also have an ambivalent relationship towards labels. If they limit my possibility of experiences, I don’t want to embody them anymore. But, labels are also created because we have new experiences of ourselves, and for many of us — there are no words for our ways of being, we have to create them ourselves. Become alive, become relevant through language, the verbal and written.

The trans-vocabulary is a great example of that; it’s rapid language expansion in order to find words that resonate with an experience of being in the world, that the majority of cis-people can’t offer. And, Oh my (!) the creativity it fuels (!) to find words of resonance for our existence. Many minorities, or should I even include just women (whatever that is?) have a need to re-define language so it fits better — are more specific to the felt being in this world. This phenomenological approach, the experience of being in a certain body, in a certain situation etc., the classic “who tells the story”, who draws the maps, the script, the discurse is vital. What was once exclusively his-story, becomes her-story, becomes their-story, and other-stories. If I don’t exist in the language, does my existence even matter to you?

I’m sure there are common emotions for our species, but the set and setting for which those emotions and sensations arise, will be different. And some experiences will different and non-accessible to some, or many of us.

So, my friend, please be specific so I can get to know you “interiorily”, not learn how amazing you are at putting words on it — these sensations you haven’t yet had time to notice.